Random Sentiments
It's been a long while since I've had the inclination to post anything to this journal, but I'm in a weird mood today and if I don't capture the moment, these thoughts may be lost forever.
It's funny how things pile up on you, and you don't realize it until you stop for a minute to reflect upon it. Specificially, attitudes and experience. This fall, I was able to detach myself from virtually all of my influences and bury myself in work, which gave me a lot of time to think about things. I may not be where I need to be just yet, but I think I've come up a bit farther ahead than I was 6 months ago.
I've mastered self control, now I need to learn to let go.
My biggest problem still is that I can't seem to remember how to let loose and have some fun. This is causing a huge mental rift, because I know now what is important to me, and what kinds of people I'd like to befriend or date, but these kinds of connections aren't possible if I'm always on guard. If I can solve this riddle, I think I will be ok.
I want to feel alive.
One novel, life defining experience I had this year came one night I spent at my grandparents house Thanksgiving Eve. We had just had an intense conversation about a handful of problematic people within our extended family, and the reasons why they ended up homeless, addicted to drugs, perpetually unhappy, or pregnant and unwed. By the evening's end, we had arrived at the conclusion that the meaning of life is best answered through the shameless pursuit of your passions, because people who do not have something that constantly inspires them towards one direction end up not moving forward in any direction.
As I lay awake on the sofa thinking it over, I remember feeling so certain of what I needed to do, and so excited to be alive that I almost couldn't sleep. For the first time in memory, colors and random images flashed before my eyes as I drifted off to sleep. This is odd, because I lack the ability to do this on command, and I do not remember any dream I've ever had. The images fit the situation, though, because they always shifted just before I could make them out. In the morning, the feeling was gone, and I haven't found it since.
But I know now what I'm looking for, and that's a great start.
It's funny how things pile up on you, and you don't realize it until you stop for a minute to reflect upon it. Specificially, attitudes and experience. This fall, I was able to detach myself from virtually all of my influences and bury myself in work, which gave me a lot of time to think about things. I may not be where I need to be just yet, but I think I've come up a bit farther ahead than I was 6 months ago.
I've mastered self control, now I need to learn to let go.
My biggest problem still is that I can't seem to remember how to let loose and have some fun. This is causing a huge mental rift, because I know now what is important to me, and what kinds of people I'd like to befriend or date, but these kinds of connections aren't possible if I'm always on guard. If I can solve this riddle, I think I will be ok.
I want to feel alive.
One novel, life defining experience I had this year came one night I spent at my grandparents house Thanksgiving Eve. We had just had an intense conversation about a handful of problematic people within our extended family, and the reasons why they ended up homeless, addicted to drugs, perpetually unhappy, or pregnant and unwed. By the evening's end, we had arrived at the conclusion that the meaning of life is best answered through the shameless pursuit of your passions, because people who do not have something that constantly inspires them towards one direction end up not moving forward in any direction.
As I lay awake on the sofa thinking it over, I remember feeling so certain of what I needed to do, and so excited to be alive that I almost couldn't sleep. For the first time in memory, colors and random images flashed before my eyes as I drifted off to sleep. This is odd, because I lack the ability to do this on command, and I do not remember any dream I've ever had. The images fit the situation, though, because they always shifted just before I could make them out. In the morning, the feeling was gone, and I haven't found it since.
But I know now what I'm looking for, and that's a great start.
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